Jack Handy Quotes

A Dictionary of Environmental Quotations $20.08	Naturally Speaking: A Dictionary of Quotations on Biology, Botany, Nature and Zoology, Second Edition $21.95
American History of US Interstate Highway, Roads, & Transportation Systems Films DVD $12.99	Deepest Thoughts: So Deep They Squeak $4.39
Fuzzy Memories $69.65	The Little Book of Snowflakes with Note Cards $573.90
The Essential Aldo Leopold: Quotations and Commentaries $18.65	Deep Thoughts $5.19

Jack Handy Quotes

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend."

"I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.""

"If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much"

"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car."

"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

"Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

"I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks."

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."

"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire."

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."

"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact"

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset hi

"There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves."

"When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

"If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song."

"If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something."

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

"Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think."

"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you."

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

"I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with."

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

"Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill."

"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes."

"Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants."

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face"

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks."

"Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it."

"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out."

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of th

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

"On the other hand, there are different fingers."

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Most Helpful Today hall of fame

My RateItAll!

Take-Out

How It Works

Explore

Get In Touch

Popular Topics:

Other Topics:

Major Cities:

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going