Religous Jokes

These jokes always seem to make me chuckle. Maybe it's because I am an Atheist.

Resonably funny depending on the subject matter... Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in. The question for the first nun is, “Who was the first man on Earth?” She replies, “Adam.” Lights flash, the pearly gates swing open allowing her to enter. The second nun’s question is, “Who was the first woman on Earth?” She says, “Eve.” Once again, the lights flash and the gates swing open allowing her to enter. The question for the third nun is, “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” Puzzled, the nun is says, “Hmmm, that's a hard one.” Lights flash and the pearly gates open...

A Preacher,a Priest and a Rabbi are discussing how they distribute the funds raised in their respective places of worship.The Preacher says "we draw a 2 foot wide circle on the ground,and we throw the collection plate up in the air above it.What falls into the circle we use to do Gods work in charities,and what falls outside we keep for church expenses." "Funny" saus the Priest,we do the same thing except we keep the money in the circle and donate what falls outside to good works".The two gentiles look at the Rabbi expectantly.He says "We throw it in the air,too.What God catches he can keep." A Priest,a Minister and a Rabbi make a bet.Whoever can "convert" the brown bear at the local zoo to his religion will win $100 apiece from the other two.The Priest offers the bear the host and some wine,and he eats it.Satisfied,he watches as the Minister offers him some grape juice and cookies,which he also accepts peacefully.The Rabbi is nowhere around,so they leave.A week later... Read more

A fundamentalist Christian is caught in a flood. He takes refuge on the second floor of his house as the waters rise. A rescue boat comes by and the occupants urge him to jump to safety. He declines, saying "The Lord will Provide." The waters continue to rise and he climbs into the attic. Another boat comes by and he is again urged to jump to safety. He declines again, saying "My faith in Jesus will protect me." The water keeps rising and he climbs to the roof. As the flood waters lap against his shoes, a helicopter hovers over his head and drops a ladder to him. He shakes his head in refusal, shouting "My faith is strong, and the Lord will keep me safe." Moments later the flood water surges over him and he drowns. He arrives in heaven, furious and demands an immediate audience with God and Jesus. Enraged, he protests his fate, claiming that he has accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour and yet in his time of need they did not provide for his safety. Exasperated, Jesus loo... Read more

This "joke" is a true story: At a NYC Roman Catholic street fair on the Lower East Side some years ago, my friend Russell approached a priest and asked, "Pardon me Father, but how does the church justify all this gambling?" The good Father thought for a moment and replied, "It's not gambling; they don't have a chance."

Whats the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? A Methodist will say 'Hi' to you in a liquor store.

Gris' joke made me remember this one that I heard from an older Catholic lady. "What do you call a Methodist?" "A Baptist who can read."

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!" -OR- While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to get people to consider this question when making decisions. The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd pay $17.95 for that hat."

religion is a joke.

Some of these are fine within reason. However, some can border on blasphemy.

This is a real stickler with me. But I don't see anything wrong with a cute or clean joke in this matter. Such as, "Where in the Bible did God speak about baseball? In the big inning (beginning)". And another one is "Where did they talk about automobiles? They all came together in one Accord". And people that know Scripture would know where this is coming from. I think jokes like this are harmless.

Three preachers are out fishing. The third one is out with the other two for the first time. After about 20 minutes in the boat the first preacher says, "Oops I left my coffee in the truck" and gets out of the boat and walks across the water to his truck, grabs his coffee, and walks back across the water and gets back in the boat. The third preacher is amazed at the impressive show of faith but says nothing. About an hour later the second preacher says, "I forgot my best lure" and like the first preacher he too walks across the water to retrieve it. The third preacher is amazed but again says nothing. A few minutes later it dawns upon him that he left his lunch in the truck. He quietly prays to God for a moment and gets out of the boat to walk across the water but sinks right away. As the two other preachers pull the frustrated preacher back into the boat they say, "Sorry, brother, we should have told you where the rocks are!"

I'd start by making a distinction between religious jokes and what I would term as sacriligeous jokes. Most religious jokes I can think of offhand are fairly inoffensive, and usually pretty funny. In general, I like them and like to tell them. I'm not impressed by sacriligeous jokes, however.